How in the fuck did this Hegalhuzen bitch get a hold of this story?
Well, it hardly matters now.
The network might cancel their coverage and we own them.
We got riots going on in 14 cities across Central Asia.
Maybe the best thing to do would be to call the wedding off.
Have you lost your mind? Just handle it.
I always do.
Do you think I have no feelings?
This is what I am to you?
- A whore? And you are my pimp? - No, baby, no, baby.
You were going to sell a tape of our wedding night?
I was gonna give you half of the money.
I did it for the money.
There will be ample time for loving recriminations.
But let's deal with this from a practical perspective.
What if we publically remove one of his testicles?
- Dad, please! - Shut up.
That's not an entirely unappealing suggestion...
but I'm not sure if that really gets us where we wanna go.
Honestly, your Excellency, if we're gonna pull this off so a man of your stature...
you know, a four-time convicted extortionist and an embezzler like...
yourself is to lead Turaqistan to its bright and shining future...
Yonica's bridegroom must be blamelessly pristine.
In other words, we need a fall guy.
How about your homeboy outside with the perforated septum?
P-per... what?
Go, Marsha. Go, Marsha. You're so fine. I'm gonna make her change her mind!
I have a can of Mace!
And I will use it! Sit down!
I think Bodhi organized this whole thing and you didn't know anything about it.
Yeah, of course, man. I didn't know shit.
But, you know, we wanna be culturally sensitive here.
What is the traditional punishment for pimping a pop star?
- Wow, that's fucking cold, Pop. - Shut up.
Drowning in sheep dung.
Marsha will make the arrangements.
All right. We've dealt with the groom. Now for the bride.
20 minutes on TV and the world will know that this sweet, young girl...
would never participate in such a foul, foul enterprise. Right?
And, Yonica, you didn't know anything about this.
So it has the added benefit of being true, as my father used to say.
All right. We'll announce the execution tonight.
We'll do the interview tomorrow...
and we go ahead with the wedding and close the whole damn show.
I think we got this worked out, don't you?
- Great. - All right. Good to see you.
No, no, no...
Thank you so much, sir.
Yonica... Honey! Honey!
Yonica, Yonica!
Thank you. I like bag.
Marsha. Get me Katie Couric, Al Jazeera and a hundred gallons of sheep shit.
Slaves, but...
Slaves, plebians, patricians, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to Pax Romana...
Virginia's number one Roman-era theme park.
The glory that was Rome. The grandeur that was Six Flags.
Unfortunately the financing fell through in the real estate crash...
and the whole place went down the toilet. But it makes my point.
Which is...?
Every empire is summed up in Rome. The Romans, Hauser.
Dudes of the human race. Torch-bearers of culture.
You and I are Centurions.
Honor bound to defend civilization against the Barbarians.
Let's cut the shit, Walken.
I like killing people as much as the next guy...
but I signed up to kill the bad ones. Health clinics, trade unionists...
journalists, agricultural co-ops, Catholic liberation theologians...
impoverished Colombian coffee farmers...
These are barbarians, the depraved opponents of civilization?
We turned Central America into a fucking graveyard.
Whoever momentarily interrupts the accumulation of our wealth...
we pulverize.
I'm just not feeling good about that anymore, sir.
Then do what you have to do, son.
Thank you for understanding, sir.
- Oh! You asshole. - Weapon, please?
Let's walk and talk.
You didn't really think I'd let you go, did you?
- I was kinda hoping you might, yeah. - For her?
Please, Walken. We had such a good working relationship.
Let's not end it like this, like savages in a theme park.
You get the thumbs down from the crowd, Hauser.
You're obsolete, dude.
Past your expiration date, discontinued.
Garbagio, as they say in Latin.
Relegated to the trash bin of history.
You shouldn't rummage in the garbage. Fuck.
Is this one of those plastic toys you can choke on?
You mother fucker!
Help! I get it. I get it. Help! Turn it off!
Ten minutes with Katie Couric would get you ten times the audience...
of a whole season of Frontline. Now, that's a fact.
Yeah, but wh-why would they want me to do the interview?
You? Your uncompromising integrity...
your movie star good looks and I don't think Katie Couric...
wants to come to this beautiful fucking vacation spot.
You know I'm not gonna do a P.R. puff piece, right?
Just do the story. Get the real girl.
The real girl? Is there anything real left to get?
Can she actually talk?
She's just a needy little kid, Natalie.
I know, and she's spoiled, she's over-sexed, she's tone deaf.
Well she's a brand, Hauser.
Stuff happens. She needs a mom.
- Yeah. And don't look at me. - I like looking at you.
You can say anything you want, okay? No holds barred delay. I'll make it live.
You're crazy. This bitch hates me.
- She doesn't hate you. - She hates me.
- No she doesn't. - She does. I know.
Yeah, hello.
I have lists of Omar's whereabouts.
I'll get to it.
- Put your seatbelt on. - Fuck off.
Shit.
So we're all set?
This sucks. I hate this.
- What sucks, sweetheart? - This location.
What's wrong with it?
I am not liking it. It blows.
This is 2000 years of Turaqi culture. It's a nice spot for it, actually.
Okay, sweetie?
I want to do it...
there.
- We're all set up right here. - There or nowhere.
Okay?
There's nice too.
Hello.
What is this place?
Beautiful.
You see? She's just a needy little kid.
This light is so cool.
Look at this!
Be careful.
I want to do it here. Come, inspect this from me.
Beautiful.
This place is so sad. I love that.
I'm going to see the rest.
Hey, cowboy. You happen to have a Cliff bar?
- You hungry? - I could eat.
Let's find the kitchen.
Look at this. An 82 margaux. They must have left in a hurry.
We can be shot for looting.
We can be shot for anything in Turaqistan.
Let's see. There must be an opener here somewhere.
I just don't know if I'm domestic enough to make a meal out of...
olives and caviar and peanut butter.
Yonica! There's food!
Very high-tech for Turaqistan.
Crazy little brat.
If she's a virgin...
I'm Dick Cheney.
Yonica, would you like some wine?
No. I hate wine. It's so sour.
Milk is good.
- I want a picture of you two. - No pictures.
Okay, one.
Get in.
So you two getting married?
Because you are already married with wife in America?
Everybody wants American wife.
No.
Never were married?
Was once actually.
What happened?
It's not that interesting.
What happened?
Haven't spoken of it in a long time.
She was killed.
Murdered.
I came home one night and my beautiful wife had been slaughtered.
I had a little girl and she was taken.
No ransom note, nothing. Just gone.
- Why? - I don't know.
Who would do that?
I don't know anything except it was all because of me.
What do you mean?
I had many enemies. I've done many things.
What was her name? Your daughter?
Cara.
There's a reason I do this work.
I don't have to feel anything.
That's so fucked up.
Hey. Whassup?
Get out!
Sometimes I think is better not to feel. Just skip it.
How long can you live that way?
The poison's just old. It's like a slow motion suicide.
Or wake up every day and wonder if you have the courage to walk away...
to say: no, I won't do that. I'm not that person. I'm not that thing.
You think I should not marry Ooq-Mi-Fay?
Hey, boss we have a problem.
Hold that thought.
What's the problem, guys?
Try some caviar.
It's so good!
I love.
My mom would always try to get me to eat weird stuff.
Tempeh and wheatgrass...
and all I ever wanted was peanut butter.
He's a complicated guy, huh?
Not what'd you think.
Hey, not so tough today, huh?
Hey, look, the little girl has crowns.
You think you can drown me with the sheep shit.
I don't think so.
You want we should take video now?
Or kill him first?
Be less blood if you kill me first, more fun if you cut it off while I'm alive.
- Shut up. - Okay.
I think I could take those two ears and I can put them on my Harley.
Maybe I can pick up KROQ on my radio.
Oh, pretty face. Bye.
You ought to do some face. Taste.
Stay!
Cut off the fingers I used to wipe my ass.
I cannot believe you just did that!
What person could squeeze eyeballs from Bodhi Bhundhang?
And that asshole tells me not to marry Ooq-Mi-Fay?
I'm fucking marry Ooq-Mi-Fay.
He's pig. And I'm whore.
- You want me to take the freeway? - Yeah. Whatever.
It is who I am. I am that person.
And if I'm going to be whore, at least I can be rich.
I just want to make soulful music and be sad and rich.
You don't have to marry some asshole to do that.
Natalie, you will be my bridesmaid?
Please?
My father, he's coming. I haven't seen him since I was baby.
It will be nice to meet him.
And if you are there I will not be so afraid.
What am I gonna wear?
- What about Katie Courich? - Fuck her.
Fuck them all.
Miami Beach Hotel.
Jeff? I just sent you a photo of that Tamerlane guy.
He just slaughtered half a dozen of Ooq- Mi-Fay Taqnufmini's posse...
Find out who the fuck this guy is.
Hey. I just got this message from the Viceroy.
"We didn't front you $1.3 million to whack a bunch of Fifty Cent wannabes.
You know what I'm saying? You got 18 hours to kill Omar Sharif.
And may I just add personally.
What the fuck are you doing?
Will you kill the mother fucker so we can get the hell out of this shithole?
What are you doing?
Hello? Is there anyone in th-?
Hey, it's Natalie.
I'm either unmasking corporate greed or washing my hair.
So leave a message.
That's good. Thanks. Great.
Is that good?
That looks great. Everything you're doing is great. It's really great.
My communications degree is finally paying off.
Where is Omar?
Well, let me check. Omar?
- Camera Four, Marsha. Camera Four. - Omar's Camera Four.
Why don't you pull in?
Do you have his Blackberry address?
Laptop.
By the way, Anderson Cooper cannot make the wedding.
- What room was he going to stay in? - Eleven-oh-one.
Just you, Cowboy.
Oh, jeez. Gosh. By the way. This came for you.
I think...
...It must have been this morning and...
This is Natalie Hegalhuzen.
I am being held by the Provisional Liberation Army of Greater Turaqistan.
I will be executed unless the following demands are met by 6 pm.
The complete unconditional withdrawal of all Tamerlane forces from Turaqistan.
The dissolution of the criminal's INS state of Israel.
Three. The acquisition by the Turaqi National Basketball team...
of LeBron James for a player to be named later.
I'm unhurt and well-treated...
And am right where I wanted to be.
You're improvising, bitch. I hate that!
I know where she is.
No. Wait a second! We're live in 6 hours.
I trust you. You handle everything.
Oh, Jesus Mary and Joseph.
How are you, sir? Nice to see you, sir.
You can go.
Jerry, how do I get to Fallaf?
Fallaf. Are you out of your mind?
Here at GuideStar we definitely call Fallaf a no-go zone.
That's snuff city, dude.
Hey, don't get cute. Just give me the damn directions.
You sound a little angry, rather emotional. It's a good thing.
Good. Let it go.
Is that the best you can do for seventy-nine ninety-five a month?
Steven Seagal is like 500 pounds now.
They use body doubles for everything, but this.
How many times do I have to tell you?
I am opposed to the occupation.
I have railed against it in every significant journal in the world!
I think you are mistaking me with someone who actually gives a fuck.
Hey, you're just a gift for us, babe.
What do I do when I get to Nafluni?
There's a Mobil station on your right. See it?
Yeah. I think so.
Great. Take the next right. Follow the road.
If you're a praying man, I'd start about now.
Can we kill her already? I'm getting hungry.
We're still working out the international distribution rights.
I want to...
put the camera lower this time.
Oh, you mean like the construction guard decapitation, huh?
But you want it from here to there or from there to here?
- All the way. - All the way's gonna be messy.
Yeah, but it's art.
- Do you have any candy? - No. Get lost.
I told you these assholes never have shit.
Looking for the kidnapped bitch?
American?
We have three. Two yellow hair and one dark hair.
Dark hair.
Where?
Show me.
10? No. How about 20? Okay. It's a deal.
Shut up! Let's do it.
Don't shoot, man!
Hey, we're sorry. Chill.
I'm sorry, just take the girl. We don't want the girl.
We just, we do movies, man. We love to make movies.
Yeah, yeah, movies.
Don't get up, guys. We gotta run.
Fuck, dude. That was intense.
Okay. We're okay.
Next time bring some candy asshole.
Mr. Hauser? I told you Fallaf was not a good idea, didn't I?
It's a no-go zone. And you went.
That was not a good idea.
Get down!
Go.
Could you please try to call Natalie again?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
What, my English not so good?
Come on. I love you.
Come on here. Come on here.
Get down, get down!
Get up.
Hey, you in charge?
- Who the fuck's in charge? - No one! I'm no one!
- What are you lookin' at, bitch? - I'm no one!
A couple of quick announcements.
The panel discussion, the Redemptive Power of the Hedge Fund Derivative...
has been moved to the mini ballroom.
Don't forget to go to the Meet and Greet cocktail reception...
at the Tiki Room at five and pick up your gift bags.
They've got a coffee mug and a desert umbrella...
foam beer Koozie and a...
autographed copy from you know who...
of "How I Conquered the World and Worked Out Issues With My Dad".
Take care of the kid.
'Cause I might have to go too.
You don't have to.
Yes, I do.
Natalie.
I saw your face and creation held its breath.
I'm coming.
No, no, no...
Silly me. I was expecting a beautiful woman.
Sorry.
Hauser...
Love does get one into difficult situations.
Somebody's gonna kill you.
It was supposed to be me.
Triple your security.
Stay off the streets.
With a little skill you may actually stay alive.
- How may I thank you? - No need.
We're in a constant state of war, Hauser.
We kill our brothers, complete strangers...
the guilty and the innocent.
We are at war with our own hearts.
Love is a cease-fire that's destined to fail.
But, as I said...
it does get us into tricky situations.
Sometimes the back of a garbage truck.
The ultimate Chickenhawk is roosting close-by.
Good luck.
She says she's a bridesmaid.
- You got an extra dress? - Yes.
For all of us at Tamerlane...
I extend a heartfelt good luck and God bless...
whoever that god may be.
To our happy young couple. Shalom.
Shit.
We have someone to do your hair and makeup.
I could do this.
Sit down!
Clean yourself!
We gotta go to the viceroy. Where the hell is Hauser?
Asshole.
All right.
I am going to tell that bastard that I want to go shopping in America.
And I never come back. Can I stay with you?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
It's time.
Where are you? I wanna see you.
Hauser. I'm about to address the weddin'.
You're just gonna have to wait 'til I'm done.
I've waited long enough.
Hauser.
Hello, Walken. You look fabulous.
How did you know?
Where else would you be?
And going to the Viceroy in five...
four, three, two...
Wonderful opportunities here, Hauser.
As long as these towel-heads don't look up freedom in the dictionary.
To use one of your own homespun colloquialisms let's cut the shit, shall we?
That is your viceroy?
You know what your problem is, Hauser? You're a moralist.
That's why you're so much fun to fuck with.
War is the improvement of investments by other means.
For dummies. The USA is a subdivision of Tamerlane.
Democracy, the war on terror, the war on drugs...
these are all focus group slogans for Tamerlane.
You murdered my wife. And I'm here to kill you for that.
You were such a superb killing machine, Hauser.
What happened to you?
You've had a whole week to kill Omar.
Of course I could have liquidated you after you thought you'd killed me.
Right after I tried to kiss you and you threw me in the garbage truck.
It's gonna be hard to torture someone who's mostly dead.
But I'm gonna try...
to enjoy it.
But, by killing the woman and kidnapping the girl...
Oh, my God.
...that was so much more satisfying.
I left you in a state of constant agony.
You ever wonder what the ideology of vibrio cholerae bacterium...
or the system of Yersinia pestis the bacteria that causes bubonic plague.
I'll tell you, Hauser.
Perpetuation.
An infinite succession of generations.
Immortality on the installment plan.
I wish I had that sort of esprit d'corps.
That bacterial team spirit.
Talk about legacy. Talk about empire.
You're gonna tell me what you did with her...
then I'm gonna kill you again.
- Do you understand, old man? - Don't you get it?
Your daughter happens...
Shut it down!
Your daughter, Hauser.
Your daughter is about to be married. And, Daddy you're the father of the bride.
God, that's a conversation stopper.
Well, you just sit back and enjoy the show.
You must be a real proud daddy.
Here she comes.
Ain't you the proudest daddy? Look at that.
She turned out good.
She looks good in that white dress and those little white boots.
A white dress and white boots.
Oh, look at that.
Don't you think the little whore turned out well?
I promised her Daddy would be here. And here you are.
Shoot him!
The father of the bride!
Hauser! Where are you, Hauser?
Come on, fight me like a dude. Face me Hauser.
Come on!
I can control all of this with my eyes.
Yonica!
- Yonica. - Shut the fuck up!
- Yonica. Yonica. - Shut the fuck up! Shut up.
Get done, come on.
Dearly beloved, friends, believers and infidels.
We are gathered here today...
to join together in holy matrimony this man and this...
Yonica! Yonica!
Hauser!
You can't do this. I won't let you.
I'm your father.
Catch him.
It's me.
I've loved you since the minute you were born.
I will kill you!
It's gonna be okay.
We're gonna be a family again.
Come on!
Yonica, Yonica.
Let go of that! Don't do that.
What's going on?
Go, go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go!
Get me back to the bunker. Headset.
Get me a tomahawk.
Blow this whole fuckin' place to shit.
Yes, sir.
Terrorists at the weddin'. We've got 'em cornered.
So close to the bunker could be dangerous, sir.
Haven't you heard of a surgical strike?
- Launch it. - Firing two-one.
Viceroy coming through. Viceroy coming through.
You should have let me finish the job!
Tamerlane weapons are precision-guided...
to minimize collateral damage.
Not only is our technology the most advanced in the world...
but also with a smart missile system...
we can launch a matchstick in Milwaukee...
and stick it up the ass of termite in Tehran.
Shit happens.
This blows.
"Killer, Whores and Jackals. Behind Brand USA".
Good title, huh?
It's a little wordy.
Vehicle from the front!
All right, that's it! Hold it!
We are going to honeymoon.
Dude, it's the newlyweds!
Hey! Stand down!
Yonica, congratulations. Your chariot's right this way.
Thank you.
- I have your poster on my wall. - No, he's lyin'. It's my wall.
I used to... no. Bye.
Run, run, run.
I cannot fucking believe this.
Yonica, I know I saved you but I don't want you putting me up on a pedestal.
I'm just a person, just a man.
Are you crazy? Where have you been?
- You are a fucking asshole, you know? - Oh, I feel much better.
Go. Turn this thing on!
So you don't want her to be an assassin like you.
Well, don't worry because I want to be like you.
- Yonica, don't be so sarcastic. - I'm not.
- Where are we going? - I don't know.
What do you mean, I don't know?
When I said I don't know, it means I don't know.
- GuideStar! - Welcome back, Mr. Hauser.
I can book you an hotel, make you a dinner reservation.
You wanna just be spontaneous?
Spontaneous? It's Memorial Day weekend, what if everything's full?
It's not gonna be full. Jerry, am I right?
Don't get Jerry involved in this.
Would you two stop fighting?
We're not fighting. We're just discussing.
- It be sounding like fighting. - Now she hates fighting.
Well, what do you expect? Look at her father!
This is the former vice president speaking.
In response to the cowardly and unprovoked terrorist...
attack on the Emerald City mall...
Tamerlane is pleased to announce that it has been awarded the contract...
to preemptively strike Ugikistan...
which intelligence has confirmed is behind this...
and hundreds of other attacks in Turaqistan.
America cannot stand idly by and allow hostile foreign powers...
to meddle in Turaqi affairs.
Intelligence has also conclusively stated...
that the Ugikis are developing a nuclear arsenal...
and we cannot let the smoking gun come in the form of a mushroom cloud.